How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Nazis

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Just when I thought it was safe to unleash my innate Jewish paranoia regarding Jew-hatred in America, Israeli police arrest some Jewish teenager for being allegedly responsible for many of the bomb threats against American synagogues, JCCs, and Jewish schools. And this just after the arrest of Juan Thompson, a liberal African American journalist who called in eight bomb threats to harass his ex–girlfriend (who wasn’t even Jewish!). Where are my white supremacists? Where are the Trump-loving, Jew-hating, sieg heiling, cross burning white guys that allow me to say to my black friends (if I had any), “Yeah, man, racism. I get it. Us too.”

Sure, there is plenty of Jew-hatred on the Left, especially on college campuses, but this is always mixed up with anti-Israel feelings that muddy the Jew-hating waters. I need a real boogeyman hiding under my bed or at least in the GOP. But what I get is a jilted African American, a Jewish teenage jerk, and, according to private accounts from specific JCCs, disgruntled gym rats, and JCC employees.

This is bad. Without overt Jew-hatred there is little left to hold the few unassimilated US Jews in the tribe. My dad used to say, “Scratch a goy, and find an anti-Semite.” The closest we might have is “scratch a Buddhist, and find a Jew.”

So please, if you are an authentic Jew hater and an authentic American (no undocumented folks need apply) come out of the closet. Don’t let Jews, blacks, and college leftists displace you in the one field that used to be your bailiwick. Restore my paranoia, revive my fear of white people. I’m afraid I’m becoming complacent once again.

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